So I drove for 8 hours, interstate, in the dark; to get to Tennessee. My goal was to make it to a motel that Alan and Kyle were staying at in Pigeon Forge, where I would sleep in their enclosed trailer until morning, at which time we would ride.
I'm getting off of the interstate onto the road that will, in 15 miles, take me to the motel. I come up on this asshole driving 15 mph in a 35 mph area. It's 1:00 am and it's Saturday night, so I'm like: "Meh, this guy's drunk".
I don't make a habit of calling in suspected drunks. I mean, if I'm working, of course I stop them; but being off duty, dog tired, in a strange area, I was inclined to just ignore this asshole.
Then, this fucking doucher drives completely into the grass median, and is literally bouncing up and down as the car is going over ruts and curbs and sewer grates and such. He swerves back onto the road, almost hits me, and then starts swerving back and forth using all three lanes. I'm like: "Fuck this", so I pass him and get in front of him. He then, I assume, decides to use me as some sort of navigational beacon, and he puts his car in the lane next to me with his passenger headlight basically neck-and-neck with my driver's taillight. I can watch him swerving across the left lane and my lane and he almost hits me repeatedly.
At this point, I'm like... Fuck.... I can't in good conscience NOT call this in, he is obviously drunk, and not just 'a little' drunk, he's fucking gorked. I slow down and let him pass me (we are still doing half the speed limit). He passes and is now swerving across all 3 lanes, then drives back into the median and is using it like a 4th lane, bouncing over the grass.
I call 9-1-1, which I hate doing, but I couldn't reasonably search for the non emergency number while driving, and I wasn't sure what jurisdiction I was even in. 9-1-1 sends me to Sevierville PD, and I give them the info. As I'm on the phone, the drunk swerves into a parking lot and stops, and passes out. I block him in with my truck and wait.
A few minutes later, SPD arrives. Super cool guys. Very professional. They end up hooking the driver, who is an illegal Mexican with no driver's license. He's drunk as fuck. Like, he fell down getting out of the car, pissed himself, and then barfed in the parking lot level of drunk.
His passenger is an ugly ass woman, who is also drunk as shit. She is trying to hide contraband in the car, so they hook her ass up, too. She is getting cuffed up in the photo. Anyway, as they hook her up, she pisses and shits herself. They stand her back by the cruiser and basically leave me to babysit her as they are searching the car. This ugly ass woman starts trying to talk to me in drunken Spanish, and I was disinterested in having a conversation with her. I summoned up 5 of the 6 Spanish words I know to shut her up: "No habla espanol, pinche puta!"